#i need to delete this after i calmed down
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ganondoodle · 8 months ago
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(currently getting extremely emotional over seeing pics of my lil brothers top surgery realizing i havent actually fully come to terms with the fact it will never be possible for me-
where i live the process to get to that point is extremely invasive and difficult; plus i am not trans enough anyway (nonbinary basically doesnt exist- theres only one or the other, i dont want T either even if id love to have some effects of it, i do not want other changes it causes) so that alone makes it pretty impossible already, and i am incredibly scared of anyone seeing or touching me in certain places and of surgery .. and hospitals .. everything basically.
(please dont try to give me hope about that, it will only make it worse in the end, i just need to deal with these emotions rn and get back to where i was, sorry)
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mr-urple · 3 months ago
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Sometimes I hate having the latest timezone because I get really insecure at night but everyone's asleep so I can't ask for a hug from my family and god it kind of sucks
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yourlonelydream · 18 hours ago
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I'm a bit unmotivated, but i have a question:
How many people would actually like to see me make a bunch of sanses as dolls?
As of making this, I have Dream, Passive, Cross, Fatal_Error completed & Ink (remaking), Error, Killer, and Horror in progress.
I am willing to continue making these dolls on a bi-weekly/monthly basis, but only if people really want it
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marinerainbow · 4 months ago
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I just experienced my first ever flirt from a fellow woman at 1 in the morning. And she was very obviously an extrovert, which idk if this is how all extroverts communicate, but- her flirting literally made me go 😳😶‍🌫️😳😶‍🌫️😳😶‍🌫️😳😶‍🌫️😳😶‍🌫️😳😶‍🌫️
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corrodedcoughin · 2 years ago
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hi anna i hope you're doing well <3 i wanted to share a bit about my experience with burn out from your recent post. last year I was attending school and a lot of big moments were happening in my personal life. all of that plus the workload, commute, etc. left me feeling burnt out to the point of severe depression :/ your body is constantly tired and you just feel empty regardless of how your try to surround yourself with good things. could be people or food or music or a show but once you feel utterly wrung out, it's hard to feel much of anything else. i know for me it kind of manifested in unhealthy habits to just kind of quickly get through the day, a shot sleep schedule, and for me to start obsessing over little crap that really wasn't all that important. all my time was being used to work or overthink myself into a panic and it just made me feel completely isolated from family, friends, peers, and i left that term feeling stupid and useless.
the best way i try to go around my burnout is for one, to not push myself through it. yeah it all seems hopeless now but is my problem today gonna be the same in a month? a year? i try to think outside the present moment because sometims you might not even realize you have tunnel vision until you actually get out of the tunnel.
my hobbies are still gonna be there when i want to enjoy them but my body and health are what need to be my first priority. a lot of my hobbies were related to tumblr/ao3 or just being online in general so I decided to quit. for around three months I stayed off my socials and deleted apps like tiktok and instagram and decided to stick to the least attention grabbing apps i like. even then i made an effort to stay off my phone as long as i could. it may sound kinda dumb but lowering screentime actually really does help reduce anxiety and i find i don't miss those apps at all.
and for me my burnout was largely being caused from school and I realized that this wasn't the right path for me at all. so i quit because nothing, no matter how seemingly important, should make me feel so horrible. I mean it's not even sadness or exhaustion it's emptiness. you feel nothing and everything and it aches and you just end up ruining all the good things you have by trying to ignore it and push through.
another thing that helped was finding stuff for me to do in my personal life whether that was getting a new job, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, or finding a new love for movies. I prioritized myself and i feel good. It took me about 6 months but I got there and it's worth it. I don't feel isolated or as exhuasted as before and life feels good again, my hobbies feel good again.
I hope you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling this way and i hope you take care 💌 happy easter or just have a happy april
Hello! I’m going to put a bunch of stuff under a read more but before I do that I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to even notice/read the things i posted and then writing this. I’m so, so glad that you are feeling better now and that you were able to do that for yourself. It sounds like you really figured out what you needed and it worked and knowing that it does work is so reassuring. So just thank you. For being kind to me and to yourself and sharing. I’m so glad you are here and if you ever want to talk be it silly or serious, my dms are always open.
You are so completely right about social media. I’ve had Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat deleted for a couple of years now. Covid pushed me over the edge with them and the relief of not having them there anymore is incredible. I have tiktok but go on it maybe for a week straight then don’t touch it for a few months. Idk it’s not great at holding my interest.
But yeah tumblr has been a bit of a difficulty for me, hence the dropping out for days at a time. Keeping up with things/engaging and needing to do it ‘right’ is so much more mentally straining than you realise until it’s just one more thing to push you over the edge. Even when I wasn’t replying to messages/asks I would be online trying to keep at track of things so I could ‘do my reblogging duty right’ when I eventually did feel good enough mentally to come back and it’s so STUPID. like!!! Nobody cares if I interact with their posts!! Nobody!!! I just internalised and spiralled a bunch of things from other parts of my life into here too!
Work has been really bad for at least six months now and it’s so hard. Then self doubt over looking into Autism and other mental health stuff as well as gender and trying to keep up with the gym and step targets and feeling bad for not being social every single hour of my day like my very extroverted brother has just really pushed me down into a hole. You don’t realise how many things are going on until they smack you over like a wave and then it’s like ‘oh boy, I can’t get up. And I don’t want to because I’ll just be pushed down again’
Eventually I started just taking my car down to the sea and reading a physical book instead of being online. It’s helped. It’s not sorted things but it’s helped.
My hobbies are primarily online too so I have an idea of where you are coming from, won’t say I understand because everyone is different but I get it. The temptation really IS to push through. I actually said to my only coworker ‘I just need to make it to the end of April. Then I can think about getting signed off if I /really/ need to but I won’t. It’ll be fine’ I don’t know why!! The job doesn’t care back!
I won’t bore you with all the details but it’s been Wild and knowing that you got through the other side is genuinely a light at the end of the tunnel. So thank you for sharing your experience. School is so hard, the first time I went I had to leave for mental health reasons or face hospital admission. I mean it when I say I’m so proud of you for making that decision. Truly. I wish you nothing but ease for the next section of your life, you deserve it. I hope you’ve found a new favourite movie or genre or just general joy in the new hobby! Would love to hear more about that or absolutely anything you have to say, your words are very easy to read and hold a lot of happiness in them. Thank you again and good luck with your new job if you have one or the search if you are looking!
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cheekblush · 2 years ago
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i'll be taking a break from tumblr bc i really need to focus more on my studies 🙈🙊🙉
#i had a panic attack when i woke up this morning my heart was beating so fast#bc it dawned on me how much time i have already wasted and how little time i have left to prepare for my exams#went outside in the cold to breathe some fresh air and calm myself down#my dad was there and as soon as i saw him i started crying..#he embraced me & told me that i don't have to be scared & that everything will be fine he kissed my head & kept holding me#this means the world coming from him bc he's not a man of many words & usually doesn't show a lot of affection#and usually when i complain & whine about my studies he doesn't take me seriously at all & is rather annoyed#but this was obviously very different my heart really hurt from beating so fast & i'm glad he saw that i genuinely needed comfort#i stayed outside in the cold breathing crying looking up in the sky & watching birds until i calmed down a little#and i know i need to delete this app off my phone in order to stop self sabotaging#i waste sooooooo much time on here just endlessly scrolling#this has become somewhat of a safe space for me but i keep neglecting my studies bc of it#like relax the pretty pictures will still be here after you come back not failing your exams is more important!! 😭#i probably should be writing this into my journal instead of here but i haven't been able to find it for months now so 🙃#anyways.. please pray for me that i pass all of my exams at this point i don't even care about my grades anymore i just want to pass!!🙏🏻#stay safe and take care love you all 💗#i might still come on here from time to time to like some posts on desktop but feel free to call me out if you see me on here too much!#☁️
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dreamcast-official · 2 years ago
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mm
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steampoweredskeleton · 2 months ago
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SCREAMS
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folaireamh · 1 year ago
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broooo i got up because i thought i wanted to doodle a funny comic but i hate my art and i'm tired i'm going back to sleep
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globodamorte · 1 year ago
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why can't I stop being crazy
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galariangengar · 1 year ago
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I am doing horribly mentally tonight and my jaw hurts 😢
#I’ve been really anxious most of the day and it started with receiving another weird email from Facebook about a recovery code#I’ve been ruminating about that all day and been kinda freaking out if my account is gonna get hacked or something#and I’ve been thinking more about deactivating my facebook account or deleting it or something#I’m stressed about a bunch of things relating to future school shit and possibly getting a part time job on top of everything I’m dealing w/#i can’t stop overthinking and ruminating and I’m stuck in a rabbit hole of thoughts and I hate being like this#I’m crying now and my jaw fucking hurts and I hate everything#also the professor for my pharmacology class sent a message to everyone a little bit ago#saying she’s noticed some ‘suspicious activity’ with proctorio recordings of us from our first quiz#and basically saying to make sure we show our desk/workspace to the camera before taking quizzes and exams#and giving everyone a warning that if anyone is flagged for sus behavior/she’ll make them take a new test with new questions#I mean I know I didn’t cheat and kept my eyes on my computer and won’t be doing anything that’ll flag me#but I’ve never had a professor for an online class be this fucking strict with proctorio for quizzes/exams#I’ve never had to flip my whole ass laptop to show a strict ass professor my desk/workspace to prove I’m not cheating before#I also work and will take quizzes/exams in my dad’s office which has his computers (but he turns them off after he’s done with work)#so like is this bitch gonna yell at me cuz I’m in my dad’s office that has 2 computers in the room?? is she gonna be that strict??#I need to calm down somehow… I’ll probably distract myself with YouTube and play some splatoon#jazz uses curse! 💜
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hamilando · 5 months ago
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ੈ✩ don’t embarrass an angel (smau) ੈ✩
pairing : charles leclerc x fem reader
summary : a Victoria secret model in love with a formula-1 driver, ofc there will be rumours
tw : little hate, could be a little suggestive as reader is a vs angel !
fc: Taylor Hill *she is so pretty-*
a/n : thank you so much to @xshazxx for suggesting this ! lysm 🫶🏻
·:。・゚゚・ ✩ ・゚ ・゚·:。・゚゚・ ・゚·:。・゚゚・ ✩ ・゚ ・゚·:。・゚゚・・゚·:。・゚゚・ ✩ ・゚ ・゚·:。・゚゚
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liked by charlesleclerc, fransisca.ngnomes and 678,456 others
y/nhill the girlies are back for 24! @ victoriasecret
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user1 PREACH THE HOLY PRINCESS 🙌🏻
user2 oh to have a pretty friend group 😞
user3 are we just ignore the cheating rumours ?
user4 and charles in her likes !?
user5 I really don't know who to believe 👀
charlesleclerc ❤️
user6 she didn't even like his comment-
user7 so it's true 💀
fransisca.ngnomes the visuals are serving as usual 🫴🏻
y/nhill all your love bbygurl 🫶🏻
realbarbarapalvin I think I need to marry you
y/nhill we both already are married hun 😞
user8 this girl has the audacity to post naked pictures but not address the rumours 💀
user9 wtf
user10 calm down brother
user11 they really were not made for each other, one is a model and other is a driver 🙌🏻
user12 and the fact both travel a lot
user13 it was never meant to last 🫡
victoriasecret our gorgeous 💌
liked by y/nhill
user14 but lord perceval got perceval jr out of hand
user15 💀
user16 charle's fans are entertainment fr 💪🏻
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liked by sabrinacarpenter, carlossainz55, arthurleclerc and 1,233,121 others
y/nhill Heartbreak is one thing , my ego's another, I beg you, don't embarrass me, motherfucker ✨
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user1 holddup, THE LIKES !?
user2 CHARLES BROTHER IS LIKING THIS !?
user3 SO IS CARLOS !?
user4 SO IS THE WHOLE GRID !?
user5 what in the f1 tea did just happen -
arthurleclerc downloaded the song for our next karaoke session 💪🏻
y/nhill best brother right here
user6 the interactions and rumours are killing me 💀
sabrinacarpenter much love and also congratulations ❤️
y/nhill thank you love ❤️
user7 CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT !?
user8 her comeback bro-
user9 u sure ?
charlesleclerc my angel
y/nhill who will gladly kill you 🤭
user10 umm 🤔
lilihye akex is telling you to unblock her
y/nhill only if he gives you ring like mine 🤭
lilihye 🤭
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liked by charlesleclerc, arthurleclerc, carlossainz55 and 678,839 others
y/nhill Leclerc’s since 24 🫶🏻
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user1 wha-
user2 WHA-
user3 WHAT-
user4 so the rumours were false 🤔
user5 and they are still together 🤔
arthurleclerc MA SOUER
liked by y/nhill
pascaleleclerc lots of love ma fille ❤️
y/nhill mama leclerc ❤️
user6 excuse me, SISTER AND DAUGHTER !?
user7 we skipped a whole season here -
user8 IF THEY ARE ENGAGED -
user9 GUYS HURRY SEE THE F1 NEWS
user10 THEY ARE MARRIED !?
user11 fhffhhffhfh
user12 even the official ferrari posted-
user13 charles proposed after her first show of the year !?
user14 the best denial to cheating rumours 💍
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liked by charlesleclerc, y/nhillleclerc, and 2,378,789 others
scuderiaferrari the pictures are blurry because admin was also crying 🫶🏻
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user1 it's time I delete my insta
user2 me too
user3 DADDY MARRIED HER !?
charleslecerc ❤️
liked by scuderiaferrari
y/nhillleclerc ❤️
liked by scuderiaferrari
user4 it's ok admin, we are also crying because of the onion rings 😭
liked by scuderiaferrari
user5 they look so pretty -
landonoriss congratulations!!! 👏🏻
oscarpiastri mum and dad 💪🏻
user6 that's why charles adopted oscar-
lilihye I WAS MAID OF HONOUR
arthurleclerc I WAS THE BEST MAN
carlossainz55 it was fun watching the rumours at their wedding
user7 carlos 💀
maxverstappen1 he got his muse to win now
charesleclerc see you in spain 💪🏻
lewishamilton it was an amazing wedding !!
charlesleclerc you were only invited because of roscoe and the fact I might have to race with you next year 😀
y/nhillleclerc *have
y/nhillleclerc you are always invited, Team Hammer since d1
lewishamilton ❤️
user8 THE USERNAME CHANGE -
user9 let me go and bawl my eyes out
user10 what's the point of being bisexual if both my man and girl are married
user11💀
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liked by charlesleclerc, lilihye, realbarbarapalvin and 3,678,362 others
y/nhillleclerc my first and last kiss as your girlfriend ❤️
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saduko · 4 months ago
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HARD TO MISS
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Lando Norris x Driver!Reader 7.9K words
Summary: You had driven sick many times before, but never sick enough to retire from a race. Now Lando was worried about you and how the media was going to react. But maybe this was just about the best thing that could of happened to him. Or in which, reader gets sick during the Spanish GP race and has to face the looming media presence after retiring early with a newfound anger she's never experienced. She was a mess of emotions, acting so different, or maybe it wasn't just her being strange.
Teammates, established relationship, an unexpected surprise?? Note: this unfortunately is a re-upload because my dumbass literally deleted the post the first time I posted it despite it being up for days. Yes I'm mad, and no this isn't edited because of it.
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The heat of the Spanish sun beat down on the track, the asphalt shimmering with a relentless intensity that seemed to seep through the cockpit. You gripped the steering wheel tighter, your knuckles whitening as you fought to keep your focus on the race ahead, hot, fast breaths heaving through your helmet like a symphony. The familiar roar of the engine, usually a comforting sound, felt more like a distant hum as yet another wave of nausea rolled through you.
This wasn’t the first time you’d raced under less-than-ideal conditions, but today felt different. The adrenaline that usually sharpened your senses now seemed to amplify the queasiness in your stomach, every bump and turn on the track making it harder to push the discomfort aside. You swallowed hard, trying to suppress the rising bile as you powered through another corner, the car responding to your every command despite the growing turmoil within.
The twisting and turning of the track seemed endless, each lap blurring into the next as your vision narrowed, tunnel-like, around the path ahead. You knew you needed to speak up, to let your team know something was wrong, but the words felt heavy on your tongue, weighted down by the fear of admitting weakness. Finally, you couldn’t hold it in any longer.
"I'm not feeling very well."
The twisting and turning of the track was making it hard for you to settle your stomach enough to find your voice, but when you had, there was a long silence on the other end. Ears alert with anticipation as nothing came through, before the thick accent of your engineer, Marlow finally sounded in with a panicked voice, "Are you feeling faint?"
"Not really.” You huffed. “I feel quite nauseous though. My stomach is not cooperating."
There was a short silence through your head piece before a shuffle was heard on the other side, followed by a concerned, "Should we retire the car?"
The suggestion shakes you and a quick puff of air leaves your mouth in order to hopefully settle the turning in your stomach, though you think it might have translated more as annoyance to your team despite the intention. You couldn't help but hope it hadn't come off too harshly, however the forceful tone of your next words certainly didn’t do much to calm the idea. "No! I'm not retiring the car... No, I'm okay."
"Please love, If you can't finish there's no shame in retiring. You're not letting anyone down, we understand-!" He knew how stubborn you were and he really didn't want the question to feel like the hit to the ego he knew you would take it as, but it was hard when everyone knew this race was what was separating you from top 3 and the rest in the championship. They knew it wouldn't be that easy, quickly corroborated by the frustrated grunt you let sound through the line.
Your foot braces against the accelerator, bearing down full force as you take the straight right after corner 4 at full speed, you weren't retiring. Subjective to your own harsh perception of yourself, retiring - no matter the circumstance - was one of the most culpable failures you could commit. It was never a rewarding feeling, and whether or not to retire from a race like this was an indisputable no. Six years into the sport and you had never retired from a race on your own accord. Today would not be the first.
"I'm okay for now."
There was no arguing with a driver going over 300 kilometers an hour, and so the team let your decision chart as they sat back and kept on with their roles, no different than before. Except for one thing, noting the conversation, they all made undisclosed motions to keep an extra close eye on the driver cam.
And so the race continued as 10 laps went by, 10 very shaky laps with countless immoderate wobbles, a few oversteers around a couple corners and a very close call with Carlos who made quick work of letting the communal radio know how exactly he felt about that, words that were quickly relayed to you. Though his accent was warm, his words were anything but kind and usually you would have taken it on the chin, laughed at his profanities and apologized with a quick witty comment to follow, but your team watched as you only let out a harrowing breath and shook your head. You obviously were not on your A-game and your entire team could see that.
So with all this, it came as no surprise when the silence in their headphones was abruptly interrupted with the blaring sound of your wheels against the track, followed by your voice, quick yet strained, echoing through the radio.
"I think I'm gonna be sick, guys."
With not a moment to spare, Marlows eyebrows furrowed down at your words, worry clear in his voice as he pressed down on the radio button. And though his words were mostly phrased as a question emphasizing the choice as your own, it was still hard to miss the pleading tone in his voice as he spoke loudly into the headpiece, "Are we retiring? It’s your call, love."
Your end of the radio was silent as the words rang through your headset, though not for lack of connection as the sound of your wheels barrelling against the tar never ceased. They knew you were still there, just not vocalizing your thoughts. They had no doubt this was a tough decision. A huge part of this sport was pride; pride in your team, pride in your car, pride in your abilities. And being the only woman on the grid meant your pride was strong and the backlash was inevitably more harsh when things went wrong. 
It was already hard enough for a driver to admit they needed to back out of a race, let alone for a driver who had something to prove and everything to lose. It was a decision they knew you were avoiding complying with. You had been complaining about feeling ill for days leading up to the race and yet insisted on racing regardless. They knew this was important to you, and to back out now, after making it so far already? Your heart was strong, and your head stronger. But for this one time, it seems your stomach was the strongest, and your nausea was taking the reins of this particular race. And so you bit your lip, hoping to keep the bile from rising for just a little while longer. “I need to stop. I’m retiring the car. I can't help it.”
As disappointing as ending a race early was, your team couldn’t deny the shred of relief that washed over them as you, for once, chose your health first. As fun as racing was, and as rewarding as a race in points felt, none of it was ever worth the increased risk to your safety. They would much rather you all woozy up in the medic bay with a DNF, than halfway to unconsciousness with a p8 finish. This certainly wasn’t your best race anyways, probably one the lowest you’d been in points this season. 
As you began your way around your last lap towards the pit lane, your mind raced with all the dreadful thoughts a DNF brought, the pit in your stomach rearing into a sizeable hole which would of left you feeling melancholy if the twisting and turning hadn’t trumped the discontent. 
As each second passed, you could feel whatever it was you had eaten for lunch earlier with Lando rising higher and higher. High enough in fact, that you found it necessary to press the radio button once more with a request. “Have a bag ready for me when I pull up, please.”
To which a compliant, “Copy.” sounded suit.
It wasn’t too much longer until your orange car could be seen sweeping down the pit lane, no hesitation in your steering as you made a harsh turn into your spot by the garage door. The pit team were prepared to make haste in their actions, ready to prop your car onto the jack in order to wheel it into the garage only to be stopped when two quick hands extended up as you braced yourself up against the halo and pulled yourself out of the seat.
At this point, you were hyper aware of the all the people surrounding you, as well as the multitude of cameras pointing directly at you, recording your every move for all the judgeful eyes to see, and yet you found not a single cell in yourself which cared as you leaned over the car and called out for your assistant, who quickly met you with a large black bin in tow. 
You quickly grabbed for it, pulling your front over the side of the car as far as you could in order to hide yourself from the view of the cameras. And out it came, a slurry of lunch which you had been so looking forward to at the time, and quickly regretting now as it all escaped your stomach.
What in the world had you feeling so ill in the first place? It felt like it had been lightyears since you had felt sick enough to actually puke, and god did you not miss this feeling. Had you eaten something bad earlier in the day? Maybe. But everything you ate Lando had eaten too, so wouldn’t he be sick as well? Well, it’s not really like you could ask him, you thought as you looked up just in time to see him overtake George on the big screen. He looks a little busy. And you should be busy too.
The thought seared through your mind as you spat into the bin, you should be racing too, but at least you feel a little better now that it’s come out; though not completely. Your stomach still churned a little and now your throat burned but you guessed it was better than crashing. You had already nearly done that just by being on the track a little too long and now you were definitely going to receive an earful from Sainz when he finally crossed the checkered flag and found you inevitably moping. 
However, you quickly realized that Carlos was actually the least of your worries and the only person you really had to fear was Lando, for when he heard about the outcome of your race, you were sure to face the lecture of your life. He had been warning you for days leading up to it not to participate. You were obviously unwell and he was aware of the dangers an unwell driver faced under the taxing conditions of a race but you were stubborn, insisting you would be fine. Look at you now. Head in a bin with cameras all around and a bruised ego. 
There was only a little time now until the race ended to recover before everyone came pummeling at you with questions. 
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The wheel was starting to feel heavy in his hands and the rubbing of the HANS device against his neck was really starting to hurt. They were approaching the end stretch of the race and as the last 15 laps commenced, Lando couldn’t help but feel a little relieved knowing this would be over soon. This was undoubtedly a tough race. 
From lights out till now, he’d managed to pull from P5 to P4 and had every intention of passing Lewis for a podium position, soon enough he’d be in DRS range but for the time being, he was focused on catching up. The world around him had become mute, he hadn’t even looked up at the grand screen once, all he knew was the car.
So he had almost jumped in his seat when the chime sounded. Just as he began slowing around the final corner leading up to the line for his next lap, the sound of an incoming radio signal had his ears perking in anticipation. Were they planning on pitting him again? Sure he was definitely pushing a little too hard against his tires- not really doing his best at conserving them but he was so close to a podium position and he just needed a little bit more force-
“Lando mate,” Will’s voice sounded through his ears, his tone a little hesitant which left Lando biting his lip with anticipation. Please don't box. “I’ve just been informed by Marlow that y/n has retired.”
Lando's heart nearly fell into his stomach as the words registered in his brain. You retired?! Now thinking about it, you did start only a single position behind him and he hadn’t really seen all that much of you during the race. What happened? “Did she crash?!”
“No Lando, she's okay, it was voluntary. She wasn’t feeling well, I don’t think.” 
“You don’t think?”
“She’s okay Lando, just under the weather.”
Not feeling well? Under the weather? You’d raced a multitude of times before whilst under the weather. Each time he’d advise you not to race, and each time you’d ignore him, swearing up and down you’d be fine- and to Lando’s consolation each time you were fine. You’d come out the other side with a smile, no qualms or grievances and you would save your complaints for him afterwards, when no one else was around to judge. As you had done before, he expected the same this time. You’d never let a little ailment set you back, especially not let it affect you enough to retire. Not unless it really was bad.
Lando’s thoughts were soon interrupted by Will’s voice once more, his tone dismissive, implying the conversation had reached its end and no more discussion would be had about it. “We will contact you again if anything happens.”
And despite Lando’s dismay, he complies. There were still a good 15 laps left of the race ahead and he had a lot of catching up to do, a lot of competitive driving to be had. His focus couldn’t be elsewhere, but what was he supposed to do knowing his sick fiancé has just pulled herself out of a race? What was he supposed to do when he knew you well enough to understand how prideful you could be, and how poor you had to feel to choose to retire?  
He really tries to not let it bother him. During the next lap, he tries to not let it bother him as he forces himself to look anywhere else but the jumbo screen in hopes of a possible update on your condition. He tries to not let it bother him in the lap after that as the team radios in to discuss possible strategies regarding the oncoming overtake he will perform, and he tries to not let it bother him during the lap after that one when he finally passes Lewis. Now 3 laps have passed but he just can't get the questions about you off his mind. It is bothering him. He shouldn’t be distracted, especially while he’s in a podium position but he can’t help it. 
So as he crosses onto the next straight, he finds himself radioing in with the question that had been eating away at him since the news broke. “Uh.. Any updates on y/n? Is she alright?”
There's a considerable moment of silence on Mclaren’s end of the line, the team were honestly tied on what to tell the man and what not to. You weren’t exactly in optimal condition, and word around was slightly worrisome regarding your state. You were okay, but definitely not well, they knew because they had caught the treacherous sounds of your gags a few more times since the first echoing through the mclaren garage. 
As your fiance, he deserved to know these details, but as a driver, they knew it wasn’t smart to worry him. What were they to say as to not stress him out in an already extremely stressful situation? They could tell him a few of your team members were discussing taking you to the hospital. Or they could keep him from driving the car through the wall in order to meet you there. The decision was clear, they needed him to focus on driving. “She’s okay, she's currently being looked at by the medical team.”
“She has the medical team on her?!” Will’s eyes shut hard as Lando’s reply came through. Definitely not the right choice of words.
“Just a precaution Lando, she isn’t well at the moment.”
Lando’s bottom lip catches between his teeth as he ponders his engineer's words. He finds himself over analyzing every syllable, every infliction with intentions of unpacking whatever truth was seeping between the lines, and he notices that he’s biting his cheek as he rounds the 8th corner with a little less precision than usual. “Is she bad?”
Landos team take quick note of this change in pace, latching onto the clear oversteer he performs around the corner. They quickly find themselves trying to pull away from the topic in order to keep him both figuratively and literally on track and so Will concludes the conversation with a stern tone. “Please Lando, you can see her when you're done racing. We need you to focus on the race.”
He almost wanted to curse the man out purely due to frustration despite knowing deep down that he was right. But what else was he supposed to do when he knows his fiancé is sitting in the medic bay and all he can do to support her is… well, nothing. He just has to finish this race.
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Despite your protests, your team was adamant on a visit to the med bay in order to possibly come up with a reason for your sudden onset of race ending symptoms, and after a quick trip down the hall that took a little longer than usual due to your need to stop once more, you were simply told there wasn’t much they could do long term to crack the bilous case. Shocker. They did however hand you something to ease the nausea which you were beyond thankful for.
You had spent so long counting down the seconds until the anti-nausea medication kicked in that you hadn't even noticed that the race had ended, nor did you notice the approaching sound of hasteful footsteps until the door to your driver's room came barrelling open with a thud.
“I told you not to race.” Lando’s voice was so stern it had you stiff. There was a slight indication of anger lingering behind his words but ultimately his face was a dead giveaway to the worried intention etched behind his tone. 
“I thought I’d be okay.”
“You threw up?” His eyebrows came down as he said it, and you noticed it was less of a question and more as if he was trying to confirm a suspicion. Someone from your team must have snitched on you already. No damn loyalties.
“Only a little.” Your words were sheepish.
“You stink.” He deadpanned and you found yourself scoffing, slightly exasperated at the bluntness of his words. The statement had you petty with offense. 
“You don’t smell very good either-”
“-I don’t smell like vomit.”
Finally you let out a sigh, already tired of the back and forth over something so menial, and unworthy of an argument. You were sick. Shit happens. “Lando, I wasn’t feeling well and I’d been feeling it all week with no real problem so I didn’t think there would be a reason to sit this race out. I didn’t think I would actually need to pull over. It’s done now.”
There was a loud silence between the two of you as he onced over your body with intentful eyes. You seemed okay enough and he guessed this really wasn’t the time or place to start an argument, especially over something as stupid as him being worried about you, you were on the same damn side. So instead he just sighed, bit his lip and nodded at you. “Alright.”
“Guys.” Charlotte suddenly peaked her head through the cracked door to glance at you both. “Come on, we need you at Media now.”
This wasn’t going to be easy, that you knew. The media had given you a hard time for things way less than this so you could only imagine what they had in store for you after throwing up on live TV for half the world to see moments after a voluntary DNF. It just about felt like you were being led to your execution with the way you knew they were about to tear into you. But there was no avoiding this, and the grimaced look etched into your features left Lando very aware of this fact.
“I know you don’t wanna do this but you have to go out there, you’ve got no choice. Not unless you’re willing to cop a fat fine.”
You stuck an eyebrow up at Landos voice, the sides of your lips extending out as you conceptualized his words but your expression quickly had him shaking his head alongside a hearty laugh. “No, no. Don’t even look like you’re considering it.”
Your laugh to match his own soon sounded throughout the room, and his hand swiftly found its place at the nape of your neck, to which he gave a quick squeeze and began leading you out the door into the McLaren garage hallway. “We have a wedding to plan and that means a lot of money to spend. You will not be wasting money trying to get out of media duties.” You couldn’t help but chuckle at how exasperated and sarcastic he sounded.
You both found yourselves trailing along Charlotte's path until the hallway quickly opened up into a large room where a few other drivers had already begun their own separate interviews towards the camera crews which littered every corner. The media pen; may as well be your death site.
Whilst waiting for the race to end; and for the nausea to subside, Charlotte had given you a rundown - more like a lecture; regarding what to expect and how to approach the inevitably condescending questions that would soon be thrown your way. 
This was going to be brutal, you knew that. You had finally made a mistake that the male media could exploit to reinforce their stereotypes about damned women in motorsports. Just another day facing the misogyny of the position, except this time, it was your own carelessness that put you in this position. The only damned thing you’d be was a damned liar if you said the upcoming articles tearing into you weren’t already gnawing at your mind. You could just picture it;
‘’Mclaren Princess’ Just Might Throw Her Way Up and Out of Competitive Driving,’
‘Speed Queen’s Weak Stomach Shows Why She’s Better Suited for Other Races,’
‘Too Glamorous For The F1 Track? or Maybe Not Glamorous Enough; - maybe we should leave the fast cars to the men that made them.’ 
This might just be worse than the ‘Revving Engines, not Emotions,’ article from last year when you teared up in Australia after what was the most frustrating race of your career. This was going to be horrible. 
Your actions were always hyper-criticized, but maybe just once you were being too imaginative for your own good. You needed to calm down because words tended to stick with you. A fact that Charlotte knew all too well, because she was sure to speak words she knew would ring through your ears during those interviews; Take it on the chin, stay composed and certainly don't be snappy. One of those was doable.
The moment you passed the threshold beyond the doorway, officially crossing into the media pen, it's as if every set of eyes and every lens of a camera had turned to watch you move. The room hadn’t by any means gone quiet, but there was definitely a shift in volume as the noise settled from a near unbearable buzz to a tolerable chatter, just enough to notice the change. The influx of attention almost had you doubling over once again, especially when you felt the nausea begin to slowly creep up for the second time that day. But you made notable efforts to keep your head high, hoping that a strong demeanor would at least soften the blow which would soon be dealt.
Lando’s arm had split from your neck not long after entering the room. You guys were always light on your PDA, trying to keep as much of your personal relationship as private as possible; as private as an already public relationship could possibly be. But he still managed to give you a small, reassuring squeeze on the hip before you both set off, being led in opposite directions.
A flurry of reporter eyes seemed to trail your path as your personal PR manager led you to a spot right in between Carlos and Charles, and as you started setting yourself up, you unavoidably overheard their journalists trying to wrap up their interviews, which you could only imagine would be to get a shot at you faster. 
However unluckily for those journalists, it seems your first adversary had already taken the stand just directly across from you with a large, heavy mic and aged, gleaming eyes; eyes that had your own widening in alarm. You were quite familiar with this journalist, very familiar with him actually as he had always been quick to criticize you and your skills on many occasions in the past. He was quite ill-mannered towards you, definitely holding a target out with a gun aimed directly for your career, making it clear he was disapproving of your presence as a woman on this grid. You just knew he had been waiting for you. This was going to be hell.
The journalist quickly began setting himself up, the cameraman behind him pointing the lens directly at your sour face, which you admittedly were not doing a great job at masking. Though, if your interviewer had noticed, he thankfully hadn’t commented on it. However that didn’t stop him from wasting any time beginning to comment on the other mistakes you had made today.
“Always a pleasure to speak with you, Speed Queen.” His gravelly voice spat. “Though I think ‘Pit Princess’ may be a little more fitting after today's race.” A sly smirk quickly spread across his mouth, an act that had your hands bracing against the railing separating the two of you from one another. Charles had quickly taken notice of this from his position just beside you. He admittedly felt he was doing quite well at remaining professional and ignoring the exchange between you and the infamous journalist, but now he was on high alert, ears perked in your direction with the intention of intervening at any given moment.
Despite your peeved sentiment, you did well at keeping your face straight and head high at the insult, feeling it necessary to not crack in front of the person trying to get a reaction out of you. Don’t prove his point. 
“I appreciate the creativity, but I think I would prefer to focus on the race itself rather than nicknames. I’m quite happy with the one I have.” There was a moment in which he tried to intervene, however you were determined to move past the subject. “-And, you know, today’s challenges were significant, but that’s a part of the sport, I guess.” Despite the lingering nausea, you still managed to force a professional smile.
“Is it?” He curled an eyebrow condescendingly, a look which nearly had a scowl slipping past your placid facade. But instead you held strong, that sickeningly sweet smile dripping like honey with disdain. “Part of the sport is the unpredictability of it. So I’d say so.”
The man's eyes gleamed on, a small hum escaping his lips as he nodded absently. “It’s just that no other driver seems to have this issue. Do you think maybe your choice to retire has to do with particular limitations a female might have that the men in this sport don’t?”
And as expected, the indirectness wasn’t so indirect anymore, the true misogynistic intentions of his words slowly crept out with ferocity. 
“No.” Your tone was final, like it hadn’t ever crossed your mind, because it really hadn’t. “No I really don’t. Many men before me have gotten sick during races, I guess I just preferred to voluntarily take myself out of the race than spend the rest of it wiping pesto off my visor.” You snarled. 
A small tap against your arm quickly alerted you to the contention of your PR manager, a disapproving gesture silently advising you to reel it in. But god was it hard when his face was so smug. She should understand that being passive aggressive was much more admissible than being violent, so she may as well let you get your anger out in the socially acceptable way, though you admit it was strange of you to feel so angry. You were usually better at keeping your emotions in check. Hm. But alas, you complied, correcting your face and letting him speak; even if you wanted so badly to interrupt him with your thoughts of how horrible a journalist he was. 
“Well, I think a lot of people agree when I say that this sport tends to reward determination and resilience, not quitting.”
Were you hearing this correctly? Was he really implying that you should have thrown up right into your helmet and just continued through the race like nothing? It was getting really hard to remain socially acceptable. What was this new found anger? “Racing may sometimes reward resilience, however, being sharp minded is more important sometimes. I noticed I was unwell enough for it to affect my performance, so I decided it was smarter to take myself out of the race. Especially after nearly taking Carlos out of the race too.” 
Just as you finished answering the (absurd) question, a suave laugh sounded to your left as Carlos suddenly stepped up beside you, sliding his arm across your shoulder. “I did have some choice words prepared for you earlier Mija, but then I learnt what happened and now I forgive you.” His eyes suddenly turned to the journalist, a glint of exaggerated pity in relation to the topic seeping into his expression, almost as if he was speaking with experience to someone who wouldn’t understand; because he was. “Driving whilst sick is not for the weak.”
The journalist's cold eyes squinted slightly as Carlos’ condescending tone registered in his head, yet he kept his expression neutral and mic high as he nodded. “I’m sure it isn’t.” And nothing was said after that. No rebuttal, no argumentative comment, just a plea of agreement. God, how you wished interviews were that easy for you.
A few voices echoing out from somewhere behind had caught the attention of the trio, and it didn’t take long for you to realize it was Carlos’ team instructing him to move onwards to his next position. So with a reassuring smile towards you and a quick quirk of a brow towards the reporter, he was off to his next interview without another word, taking your fleeting moment of security along with him as he left.
Now it was just you and the reporter once more, and you could tell he wasn’t feeling as cordial with you as he was with Carlos, evident by the slight snarl that had crept onto his face by the interruption in your defense. “Friendly words from Sainz there, as always.” he began, his tone dripping with insincerity, “Do you find it degrading that other drivers always have to come to your defense in order to keep your positive reputation, because there are a lot of people that believe you perhaps, ride off the success of others.” 
Your stomach twisted, and if it was from the nausea growing once again or from the sheer audacity of his words, you couldn’t tell. He was essentially implying that the only reason people liked you was because other likable people vouched for you, and not because of your own hard work and valiant achievements. It seems he wanted defense, you were about to show him just how defensive you could be. 
“With all due respect,” you began, voice calm but carrying an unmistakable edge, “I don’t defend myself because I don’t have to, because the genuinity of my character extends far past my words.” you paused, thinking about your next words carefully. “My peers defend me because I’ve proven my capabilities time and time again, and they know that one incident doesn’t define my career. However, I don’t think you share the same sentiment, hm?” 
The taunting in your voice was quickly caught on by your PR manager who swiftly grabbed your arm in yet another warning, except this time you couldn’t find it in yourself to care as much. The journalist's eyes narrowed at your words, clearly not expecting such a discourteous response and the tugging of your PR manager's grip against your arm was an obvious nonverbal message to wrap it up but you weren't finished, oh no. That new found anger that had been gnawing at you all race was just beginning to trickle out.
“‘Riding off the success of others.’” Your quoted, voice riddled with humor, “And yet you somehow manage to find me every post race interview. Do you write these question’s down in your little notebook while you watch my multi-race winning car fly past you? Or do you wipe the dust from the camera lens instead?”
He quickly opened his mouth to retort, but before he could, your PR manager intervened, her grip on your arm tightening slightly as she stepped forward. “This interview is over,” she announced firmly, her voice leaving no room for argument. “McLaren will be utalizing the next few days to help Y/n recover for next week's race. If you have any further questions, you can direct them to our media office.”
Your eyes widened in shock at the intervention. You had overstepped your media training a few times before and yet none had ever led to the end of the interview. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little surprised at your PR manager's swift movements as she tugged you back and away from the journalist. “Let’s move on.” Her voice was disapproving but she was obviously trying to remain calm and professional, understanding there was a job to be done. But your anger wasn’t discriminatory, everyone was a potential outlet, and you weren’t having this. “No, I’m finished.” You didn’t even want to participate in media in the first place, this was obligatory. You had done your part and now you were taking charge of the rest of your night. And so you pulled your arm back and made quick haste towards the exit, leading back to your driver room. 
You were only a few meters from the door now, acutely aware of all the eyes watching you retire early from yet another obligation today, when a hand grazing the small of your back pulled you away from the tormenting feeling of the bile rising once again. This time, it was Charles, his sweet face beaming a reassuring smile at you as he began walking in stride towards the exit alongside you. “Mon cheri, that was something else.” 
You couldn’t help but scoff at his words, nausea bubbling once again, expecting yet another lecture from someone else. “If by ‘something else’ you mean a complete disaster, then yeah, I guess.”
Charles kept his tone steady, a touch of amusement in his voice as you both walked in stride. “No, I mean you handled it with a lot of, uhh.. What is the English? Poise.” 
You gave him a skeptical look. “Thanks, but it didn’t feel like handling things with poise, It felt like I was about to lose it.” 
His smile slipped into a small laugh before it fell,  and his bright eyes quickly turned into one’s of worry as he began a once over of your body. “Are you feeling okay?” he began the inevitable conversation. “I’m okay, it’ll pass I'm sure.”
Charles’ brows furrowed down, thick accent sounding with worry as he spoke. “You shouldn’t count on it passing, you should take care of yourself. You’re only gonna have more shit thrown at you if you don’t-”
As sweet as his concern was, you were tired of this conversation today, it was becoming tedious to hear and you really just needed to lie down or something. “-Charles, I really appreciate it and I'll be sure to visit the doctor tomorrow, but I think I’m gonna be sick again, so how about you cover me up to the hallway before I end up in another fight with a reporter, or my head in another bin on TV.”
Your words had Charles’s eyes widening, quickly glancing around from side to side in search of his target who was finishing up from an interview of his own, when your hand came up to press against your mouth, skin turning a tinge green. “Lando!”
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The video shook a little as the person on the other end fidgeted with the camera, a slight blur shifting the image and the audio cracking with the movement before the frame finally straightened up. The person took a step back. It was you, which wasn’t all that surprising considering the video had been uploaded onto your own instagram, but it was the first anyone had really heard of you in weeks. 
Ever since your race ending ailment back in Spain, you had essentially gone radio silent. Not posting, not participating in interviews; you had missed 2 more races since then. It was worrisome, especially considering you had assured everyone the day after Spain that you were working on getting better for next week's race, which you never showed up to. 
The races went on and the fans asked about you, the interviewers asked about you too, but it seemed everyone involved in the FIA had no comment on your whereabouts nor your condition. The drivers dodged post interview questions, excelling on to new subjects and only had quick fleeting comments in response to concerned fans around the paddock who were only trying to make sense of it all.
Lando copped the brunt end of it though, scoring a P2 podium in Canada that everyone could more obviously care less about in his post-race interviews. The only topic mentioned was you, your absence from the race and why everyone was so hush-hush about it in the first place. The interviews were so off topic that this time it was Lando who had to leave the media pen early to avoid the questions, though opposingly, McLaren had been the ones to encourage his swift exit.
It was starting to become an issue. People were fretful. Were you still sick? Was it something more serious than you had anticipated and now you couldn’t race anymore?
The view they were looking at suggested that perhaps they were about to find out. 
You retreated away from the camera propped up against what people could only speculate had to be your dressing table, as you found your spot upon the large, luxurious bed the camera was pointing towards. Now cross legged upon it, your body clad in a 2 piece short silky pajama set, finally you began to speak. 
“Hello everyone.” You didn’t sound unwell, not stressed or upset. In fact, there was an edge to your voice that almost seemed cheerful; excited. And yet for now you remained composed, nothing but a small, media trained smile dawning your otherwise expressionless face.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The sentence was humorous, calling attention to the silence you had afflicted, and the lack of news upon your whereabouts. “Lando and I are finally home in Monaco for summer break, though I have to admit that I’ve actually been in Monaco for a few weeks now. I think some of you might feel that was a bit obvious given my absence.”
There was a high pitched chuckle off screen, it obviously being Lando out of frame as your eyes flickered over to the side with a playful yet mischievous smile, encouraging his reaction with your expression. It was a fleeting moment as your smile once again fell into something a little more vacant before straightening up and continuing. “I know a lot of people have questions, and I do want to apologize for the lack of communication on my end, I’ll explain, I promise but first I also want to say please don’t be mad at any of the other drivers for not speaking out, they were all just respecting my wishes in not saying anything until I was ready.”
There was a small pause as you took a breath, no sound emitting except for the slight breeze wafting through the room, further exemplified by the sway of the sheer curtains. This was so nerve racking, were you about to announce your departure from motorsport? Were you about to reveal a sickness you weren't aware of until now? The silence, though short lived, was deafening. 
“I-” Finally you spoke, but quickly caught it with a bite to your lower lip. It really seemed like you were processing your words, debating how to present your next statement carefully enough. “How do I-?”
Once again your gaze drifted off to the side of the screen, confused and cautious eyes quickly averting into a bright smile before a laugh escaped your mouth. “Don’t look so excited!” 
Lando, obviously beaming, clear by the tone of his voice, cheerfully yelled back, “Do you want me to say it?!”
“No!” you rebutted quickly with a laugh, “I told you I wanted to be the one to announce it, stop trying to take my shine!”
“Then go on with it!” He was so obviously really excited, impatient to finally announce whatever it was that had him so elevated.
“Okay well-” You stuttered for a moment, quickly catching yourself before continuing. “As many of you saw in Spain, I wasn’t feeling too well,-”
“-Hard to miss-.” Landos voice mumbled, a comment in which you swiftly ignored.  
“-And I hadn’t been for a few days leading up to it but I just took it as a stomach bug and planned to go on with it like usual. What I didn’t plan for however, was the doctor's visit I was forced to go to the day after.”
Your eyes glared off to the side once again, feigning annoyance but evidently not actually upset before looking back at the camera with a smile. “The good news is that we are very much aware of what was making me sick.” Your voice was reassuring, eyes slowly beginning to light up as you continued on. “The bad news is that I unfortunately will not be participating in the rest of the 2024 season, or the 2025 one for that matter.”
It was like you could feel the impending shock of everyone watching radiating through the screen despite it being pre recorded because your pause was almost comically dramatic. And yet it was so wholly conflicting, because regardless of the awful news, you didn’t really seem all that upset despite being such a passionate racer, it felt so out of character. This confusion was only exemplified further when your eyes once again drifted to the left, a large smile engulfing your features as you took notice of what had to be Lando's excited expression once more. “Oh don’t look so happy, you’re the one who still gets to race!”
“I’m sorry!” He laughed that high pitched laugh he does when he just can’t hold it back.
Your eyes flickered back to the camera, sitting straight on with a patient yet humorous smile, a single eyebrow cocked as you waited for Landos laughter to simmer. It took a moment, a moment you thought ended a time or two before he began again, but eventually the room became still again as your face grew just a little more in adoration towards the man everyone could see you loved dearly. It was like the energy had shifted just a little, from what felt so playful before, to something a little more familial and warm. 
“I think some of you may have put the pieces together, but for those who haven’t. Well… I’m pregnant!” Your smile was so big and sheepish, so conscious and just a little shy, it almost felt as if you were announcing it to a friend of many years and it was all just so heartwarming. You were okay! More than that, you were happy, and soon everyone else who would watch this video would be too. Lando's happy laugh from beyond the camera at the announcement finally being made was more than enough to express just how joyous the news was for the two of you.
“As heartbreaking as it will be to not be able to competitively race in the upcoming seasons, I’m not actually that sad about having to step down for a little.” You laughed heartily. “I proudly announce that in my place, the very talented Australian driver Oscar Piastri will be filling my position until I'm off from… maternity leave? I guess. That's a first for this sport.”  You laughed.  “But of course they just had to find the best to replace the best.” You quickly glanced over towards Lando out of frame, clearly expecting an agreement that never came. They could only imagine the disapproving look Lando was sending you.
Your expression never changed, but your tone dropped as you spoke darkly. “I’m carrying your child.” You spat, to which a loud “But of course!” sounded in response, followed by a laugh from the both of you.
“Don’t worry, you’ll still be seeing me around the track a lot considering this muppet,” you pointed to your left, “still gets to race.”
“Don’t be jealous,” the soft voice came from off screen. 
“No, I’ll confidently admit it, I’m so jealous.” You pouted, but the warmth in your eyes belied the playful tone in your voice.
Lando’s hand appeared in the frame for a brief moment, gently squeezing your shoulder before disappearing off-camera again. “We’ll be back out there together soon enough.”
You nodded, your smile returning as you glanced back at the camera, feeling a surge of excitement for what was to come. “In the meantime, I’m looking forward to supporting the team from a different angle. It’s going to be a new experience, but I’m excited to do this as…”
“-As a mother?” Lando finished with a knowing smirk.
“As a mother.” You laughed, a loud one from Lando soon sounded to match your own, one so joyous it left you beaming. Suddenly, Lando jolted in frame, clearly excited as he leaned over the bed to tackle you from your sitting position down into a hug, leaving you both falling back onto the sheets. “Oh my god Lando!” You shout, a hand quickly moving to shield your lower stomach. “God! Nevermind guys, I think Lando just tackled the baby out of me, guess I’ll be seeing you all from my McLaren in Austria.”
“Oh!” Lando gasped. “Not funny!” 
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n0bluev · 5 months ago
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The night sky can only be overshadowed by a star (its star.). A star of all things, the one thing that cannot be allowed to see the night of the sky, angled to be hidden away behind dawn and dusk. The night leaves quietly (but is cursed to come back ; avoiding is just like following when an orbit is shared.)
A star can only go off explosively, spectacularly. (Then, collapsed in on itself, away from the world to see (finally part of the shadow the night cast) it seems the bare core is at peace with never bringing day back : darkness soothes.)
Gojo is like a star - bright, hot, shining. Geto is like the night sky - mysterious, deep, endless.
#how do you feel about the fact that a star can never see the night [edit : *i* feel unwell; im adding that to the post actually hah]#that end lol. Thankfully there are other stars out there... COUGHHH CouGH#« What's left over after a supernova explosion is a 'neutron star' – the collapsed core of the star –#or. if there's sufficient mass. a black hole »#-> my honest reaction : "NOOOOO YUTA DONTGET SUCKED IN [the black hole] NOOoOooO /j/j/j (ily gege(when i catch u tho?...))#overshadowed ;; overLIGHTED* in this case i guess coughg-#oh and consider this : gojo only became the sun at *honoured one* : thats when he stopped being able to see (understand. ect) geto.#i never see that as a bad thing anyways.. theyre so conplex i love them#gojo trusted geto sm unconditionally.... (geto same. i hate them actually#go be gay elsewhere cowards /j)#(death trap shonen is just not it... /j/j im patting jjk on the head rn 'ur doing great!..')#thought of more light / shadow stuff....... ugrghh#gahh analogies... yay???? (when i get started theres always more..--my best friend; hater of metaphors (both /gen and as a bit); would#likely strangle me if she were to read the bits in my stuff where i make connections (that make sense to me🥺🥺) and i take the#themes of whatever im trying to convey and shake them like maracass until my brain calms down#to her it may look like im microwaving 5min then airfrying then cooling then re-crispying in the oven a couple times until for her it just#looks like a burnt charcoal. : bon appétit motherfucker (-me)#(im exagerating)#(but at the same time not)#and also she loves me so shes forced to appreciate whatever comes out of my brain. (shes sooo able to match my freak i am not worried<3)#.......................i dont even like this poetic stuff that much but i always end up falling into an analogy trap ?????#and then bam thats a whole paragraph of poetic nonsense that makes sense to me™#i need to practice writing#ill make it good good good one day#trust 😌#ill find the(my) ideal balance#(watch out ao3 ! TT)#mybad ive lost control of the tags. goodday or goodnight wherever whenever you are (wow okay. day n night. bye)#zzzz zzz <- me (ciao)#i think i have too many tags. it deletes my “I LIED: HERES ANOTHER THOUGHT PROCESS” take... TT
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verstappen-cult · 6 months ago
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taking funny photos of charles with max when he’s sleeping cause of his bedhair and the way he’s drooling all over his pillow, just to accidentally wake him up with ur giggles
“Shh, you’re gonna wake him up if you keep that up.”Max says, standing next to you and trying not to laugh too.
You’re standing on the bed, each of you at either side of Charles, hovering over his body.
“But I can’t,” You cover your mouth with your hand, stifling a giggle after taking another picture of him.
Charles hasn’t cut his hair in over a month, which means his bed hair is… something.
You like when your boyfriends decide to let it grow, it is not often because they need it short for their job, so you try to enjoy as much time as you can. Taking pictures when they are sleeping is something you enjoy very much.
“You’ve never done this to me, right?” Max asks and you look at him from the corner of your eye, grabbing your phone with a little more force than necessary, in case he decides to take it from you.
Max definitely doesn’t need to see the hundreds and hundreds of photos you’ve taken of the both of them in compromising situations.
“He’s drooling!” You slap Max on the shoulder to shut him up, which makes Charles groan in his sleep.
Thankfully, he keeps sleeping so you take a couple of more pictures from different angles.
“Now let me.” Max tries to take the phone from your hands but you move to the side which makes him lose his balance. He wave his hands in the hair trying to grab onto something, panic crossing his features.
“Oh my god you should see your face!” You exclaim, forgetting about your other boyfriend still sleeping. Of course you don’t waste any time to take a picture of Max before he, finally, grabs onto the headboard.
“You delete that immediately.”
You giggle, hiding your phone behind your back. “I did not do anything.”
“Y/N,” He says your name with that serious tone he only uses when talking about important things, the one he uses during meeting with Red Bull.
“But you look cute.” You look at him from beneath your eyelashes, showing him the picture.
“Delete that abomination!”
“Wha– what are you doing?”
You and Max share a panicked look before looking down at Charles who is rubbing the sleep from his eyes, confused expression in his face.
“Is that,” His eyes are locked on the phone on your hand. “Were you taking pictures of me?! Why?!”
“Yeah, Y/N. Why were you doing such a thing?” Max crosses his arms over his chest, pretending to be offended.
“What?! You were in this too!”
“Don’t believe anything she says,” The blonde-haired boy looks at his boyfriend with the most innocent look on his face. “I was trying to protect your dignity.”
You gasp, surprised but amused too. “Just because of that everyone will see the hundreds of pictures I have of the both of you that you don’t even know about.”
“I didn’t do anything!” Charles tries to defend himself but you are too busy having a staring contest with your Dutch boyfriend.
Things seems to have calmed down, but then, before anyone can know what is happening, you’re running out of the room with Max following you closely while Charles tries to look for some clothes in his still very sleepy state.
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levisjinchuriki · 2 months ago
Text
helping hand — yuji itadori
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summary: you accidentally send nudes to your best friend. good thing he doesn't mind
warning: nsfw, nudes, cursing, flirting, handjob, blowjob, cum, begging, p in v, afab reader, shy yuji, bff!yuji, all characters are of age!!
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you feel confident as you gaze at yourself in the mirror, the new set you bought yourself fitting perfectly. nobara was right when she said the color would look great on you. 
you grab your phone, snapping a few pictures in the mirror to show your friend how right she was. it’s nothing too scandalous, other than you being almost naked. after selecting the most flattering images you hit send.
as you get ready for bed your phone buzzes loudly. you ignore it at first, but then, it buzzes again. and again. finally, the buzzing stops, only for your phone to start ringing almost immediately. you grab the phone, answering it without thinking.
“hey, what’s up?” you ask casually, holding it to your ear.
there’s a brief silence on the other end. you furrow your brows, about to call out nobara’s name before you’re interrupted. 
“uh… did you mean to send that to me?”. yuji’s voice is filled with nerves. 
“what?” you ask confused.
“the pictures” yuji clarifies, a mix of laughter and awkwardness in his tone. “you just sent me, um… nudes?”. the blood drains from your face as you process his words. your heart skips a beat, and you immediately pull the phone away from your ear, opening your messages to confirm if what he says is true. and there it is- clear as day. the photos you meant to send to nobara had gone straight to yuji.
“oh my god” you breathe, eyes wide with horror. your body heats up with embarrassment, phone nearly slipping from your hands as you press it back to your ear.
“yuji, i’m so, so sorry” you stammer, panicked. “that was not meant for you! oh my god, please just delete them!”. 
yuji chuckles awkwardly, his voice lighthearted but still a little flustered. “i kinda figured that wasn’t for me. but, don’t freak out. i’m deleting them right now” he assures you.
you pace the room, feeling the embarrassment rising with every second. you cover your face with one hand, groaning into the phone. “i can’t believe this is happening”. 
yuji’s voice, always so familiar and comforting, somehow manages to calm you just a little. “seriously, don’t worry. it’s not a big deal. i didn’t even really look—well, okay, i glanced—but it’s all good! they’re deleted, i swear”. 
your cheeks continue to burn. “you glanced? yuji!”. 
“i mean, how could i not? you sent them to me!” he protests, still laughing a little.
you sigh, sitting down on the edge of your bed, still holding your phone to your ear. “this is mortifying”. 
he chuckles again, and you can practically picture him rubbing the back of his neck, the way he does when he’s embarrassed. “hey, if it makes you feel any better, you look great. like, really great.”
your face burns with a fresh wave of embarrassment. “yuji!” you whine, unable to help yourself.
“i’m just saying! it’s a compliment!” he pauses for a second, his tone softening. “but really, don’t stress. it’s just me. we’re cool, right?”
you take a deep breath, trying to calm your racing heart. of course, it had to be yuji, of all people—your best friend, the one person you trusted the most. 
after a long moment, you manage to laugh, the tension starting to ease. “yeah, we’re cool. but seriously, never bring this up again”. 
“deal” yuji replies, and you can hear the grin in his voice. “but if you ever need someone to, you know, double-check your photos before you send them—”
“yuji!”.
his laughter fills the line as you groan again, burying your face in your hands. despite the lingering embarrassment, you can’t help but smile. only yuji could turn an accidental nude into something this lighthearted. you feel a small smile tug at your lips. yuji always knew how to make you feel better—how to keep things light without making you feel uncomfortable. there’s a reason why you trust him so much, even now, after what might be the most awkward mistake of your life. even though this is embarrassing, you’re just grateful that it was yuji who received the photos and not someone else. he’s handling it better than anyone could—making you laugh even in this embarrassing moment. but it’s still hard to shake the awkwardness as you cradle the phone to your ear.
“thanks for not being weird about this” you say, finally starting to relax.
“of course” he says. after a moment he adds, “if it helps, it’s not like i’m complaining. you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about”.
you feel your cheeks heat up again, but there’s something in his tone—something more genuine beneath the teasing. you’re used to his lighthearted comments, but this feels…different.
“well, i’m glad you’re not too traumatized,” you joke. 
“traumatized? not exactly the word i’d use” he says with a grin in his voice, but then his tone softens again. “but i mean it. you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. accidents happen, and honestly, you’re…you’re beautiful. so no shame in that, right?”. 
you blink, surprised at how tender his words are. you’d expected more teasing, but this sudden sincerity throws you off. there’s a moment of silence, the weight of his compliment hanging between you.
he clears his throat, his usual playful demeanor slipping back in. “anyway! now that we’ve had this totally normal conversation, how about we move on from this little mishap? you know, before you die of embarrassment”.
you let out a small laugh, grateful that he’s easing the tension. “yeah, i think that’s best”. 
“good” he says. “now, i’m thinking we go back to pretending i’ve never seen you naked and everything is normal. deal?”.
you can’t help but smile, feeling a wave of relief. “deal”. 
after you hang up, you lay back on your bed, staring at the ceiling. despite the initial panic, everything turned out okay. yuji—being yuji—handled it the best way anyone could. you can’t help but smile to yourself, feeling grateful for his easy going nature and how he never lets anything get too heavy. even in a situation like this, he makes you feel comfortable.
your phone stays in your hand, vibrating with the weight of yuji’s words, and for a moment, you feel almost breathless. it’s not that he’s never complimented you before—yuji was always the type to lift your spirits with a well-timed joke or a playful remark—but this feels different. more vulnerable, more raw. the sincerity of his compliment lingers in your mind, and you find yourself repeating it. 
a few minutes later, there’s a knock at your door. your heart jumps in your chest, and for a second, you wonder if it could be yuji. the thought alone excites you, but surely he wouldn’t…
you pull yourself off the bed, crossing the room and opening the door. yuji stands in front of you, his cheeks flushed and his expression sheepish. the moment your eyes meet his, you can tell something’s off. his gaze shifts awkwardly, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his pajama pants. he fidgets in place, clearly nervous about something.
“yuji?” you ask, eyebrows raised in surprise.
he looks up at you, rubbing the back of his neck. “i, uh…” he pauses, his cheeks growing impossibly red. “i didn’t know what else to do, so… i came over.”
your confusion deepens, but there’s an underlying tension in his posture that makes your stomach flip. “what’s going on?”
yuji takes a deep breath, looking down at his feet before glancing back up at you with a soft, almost apologetic expression. “i, um… i couldn’t stop thinking about you. and, uh…” he shifts uncomfortably again, clearly struggling to find the words.
“…and?” you prompt gently, curious yet unsure where this is leading.
yuji meets your eyes, a mixture of embarrassment and desire flickering in his gaze. “i… i’m hard” he admits, voice quiet. his hand moves subtly to adjust himself through his pants. “it won’t go away and… i didn’t know what to do”. 
your breath catches at his confession, heat pooling in your stomach as the weight of the situation settles between you. the idea of yuji, your best friend, getting worked up over your pictures is something you hadn’t prepared for, but now that you know, it ignites something within you.
for a moment, neither of you says anything, the air thick with unspoken tension. yuji looks like he’s caught between wanting to hide and wanting to act on whatever is brewing inside him, and you’re not entirely sure how to handle the sudden shift in your dynamic.
without thinking, you take a step back, letting the door swing open wider. “do you want to come in?” you ask, your voice softer now, laced with anticipation. yuji hesitates only for a second before nodding. he steps inside, the door closing behind him with a soft click. the air between you is charged with an electricity you’ve never felt before—something that’s been simmering beneath the surface for a while, finally bubbling to the top.
“yuji…” you say softly, reaching out to touch his arm. his muscles tense under your fingers, and you feel the warmth radiating off him. “you could’ve just said something. you didn’t have to come all the way over”. you look up into his eyes, searching for any hesitation, but all you see is desire—raw and unfiltered. 
you hold his hand, leading him towards your bed, and yuji follows, his eyes never leaving you. the shirt you’re wearing just barely covers your bottom. when you sit down on the edge, he stands in front of you, towering slightly as he looks down at you, his breath coming in shallow bursts.
your gaze drops to the obvious bulge straining against his pants. he looks uncomfortably hard and you coo at him. you reach up, fingers curling around the waistband of his pants and pulling it towards you. 
“can i?” you ask as you look up at him. 
yuji’s breath hitches as you pull him closer, guiding him between your legs. he stands there for a moment, watching your every move, his eyes filled with a mix of nervous excitement and anticipation. 
“y-yeah” yuji’s pupils are blown out as he nods. you can feel the tension vibrating between you as your hands slide from his waist down to his hips, fingers brushing against the front of his pants.
he lets out a quiet groan as your palm grazes over his bulge, the heat of his body radiating through the fabric. you look up at him, your heart racing as you take in the sight of him standing above you, flushed and breathing heavily.
as you tug his pants down slightly you hear him let out another shaky breath. yuji swallows hard, his hands twitching at his sides. you can see his restraint, the way he’s holding himself back, unsure of how to act, but you can also see the raw desire in his eyes.
his cock springs free once you let his pajamas fall. he’s not wearing any underwear, the sight of his flesh surprising you for a moment. you take time admiring his member, tip already leaking, before you wrap your hand around his head. 
yuji gasps at the contact, his hips jerking forward involuntarily. his erection is hard and throbbing in your hand, and you can feel just how much he’s been holding back. you stroke him slowly, savoring the way his body reacts to your touch—his breathing growing shallow, his muscles tense, and his eyes squeezed shut.
“look at you” you whisper, your voice filled with a mix of awe and desire. “you’re all worked up…”. yuji bites his lip, holding in a moan. it’s embarrassing how turn on he is when you’ve just started.
you pump him a little faster now, watching his reactions, loving how vulnerable he looks right now—flushed and completely at your mercy.
“is this what you needed, yuji?” you ask, your voice soft but teasing.
he nods frantically, his breathing ragged as he looks down at you with wide, lust-filled eyes. “yes” he groans, his hips bucking slightly into your hand. “please… don’t stop” he begs. 
your heart races at the way he’s looking at you, the desperation in his voice driving you to want to push him even further. your hand slides down further, pumping his full length. yuji lets out a whimper as his eyes flutter closed. 
you take your time, pumping him for a moment longer before you let your tongue flick out, teasingly grazing the tip of his erection. he hisses at the feeling. 
you let your tongue swirl around the tip before finally wrapping your lips around his tip, swirling your tongue around it slowly. yuji gasps, his body instinctively arching toward you as he chases the pleasure you’re giving him. the soft sounds of his breathless moans fill the room, pushing you to take him deeper.
“oh-fuck” he whispers as you slowly begin to bob your head up and down. you keep a firm grip on the base of his length, stroking him in rhythm with your mouth, ensuring every inch of him is getting the attention it deserves.
yuji lets out a low groan that sends shivers down your spine.
you look up at him, locking eyes as you pick up the pace, bobbing your head up and down while using your hand to stroke the base of his length. his eyes are glazed with desire, his breathing coming in quick bursts as he fights to hold back.
“that feels so good…” yuji breathes, his voice shaking with a mix of desire and urgency. he places his hands on your cheeks, letting you do all the work. the way he’s biting his lip, trying to suppress his moans only adds to your excitement, urging you to push him closer to the edge.
you look up at him through your lashes, watching the expression on his face as you take him deeper, hollowing your cheeks and swirling your tongue against the vein on the underside of his length. you can sense the tension building within him, the way he’s teetering on the edge of bliss, and it spurs you on even more.
he gasps, moaning your name, his voice hitching as he loses himself in the sensations. you pick up the pace, moving faster as you take him in, letting him feel every bit of the warmth and wetness of your mouth. you can feel his body tensing, the way his breath becomes erratic as you bring him to the edge.
“don’t stop” he pleads again, his voice strained and desperate. “please- i’m gonna cum”. his sentence is cut off by a low groan that rumbles deep in his chest as he loses control. you can feel him pulsing against your tongue, and before you know it, he’s spilling into your mouth with a broken cry, his hips bucking uncontrollably.
you swallow every drop, savoring the taste of him as you pull back slightly, leaving a few soft kisses along his length before finally releasing him. yuji watches you, a mix of disbelief and awe washing over his features as he tries to catch his breath.
“so pretty” he says as he strokes your cheek. a blush rises to your cheeks. 
yuji leans down, his lips hovering just above yours before he finally closes the distance. his lips brush softly against yours, the kiss is gentle at first, a sweet exploration that sends butterflies fluttering in your stomach. his hand remains on your cheek, fingers gently caressing your skin as if he’s memorizing the feel of you. you melt against him, surrendering to the warmth and softness of the moment. his lips move in perfect harmony with yours.
yuji pulls back slightly, his eyes searching yours, filled with a mix of admiration and something deeper. the blush on your cheeks deepens, feeling vulnerable under his gaze.
he leans in again, kissing you with a newfound urgency. in one fluid motion, yuji lifts you effortlessly, bringing you to the center of the bed as the heat between you intensifies. he leans into you until your back meets the mattress, his body pressing against yours, enveloping you in his warmth. you instinctively wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer as a soft moan escapes your lips.
yuji’s hands roam over your thighs, exploring every curve, before slipping beneath your shirt. you shiver at the feeling of his fingers brushing against your skin, goosebumps rising in response to his touch. he smiles against your lips, the two of you losing yourselves in the bliss of the moment.
with a gentle tug, yuji pulls back slightly, lifting your shirt over your head. he gazes down at you in silence, his eyes filled with admiration as he takes in how perfectly your set fits you. his hands softly caress your chest, tracing the edges of your bra with a tenderness that makes your heart race.
a deep crimson flush creeps across your face, and you shift slightly beneath him, instinctively trying to hide yourself.
“don’t” he commands softly, his grip soft as he holds your wrists. he plants kisses on your shoulder and works his way up your neck. “you’re beautiful. always have been”. 
your heart flutters as you lean into him, pressing your lips against his again. yuji laces his fingers with yours as he deepens the kiss, his tongue slipping into your mouth. he moans, the sound low and needy, vibrating against your lips. your legs wrap around his waist as he grinds his length against you. the movement sending waves of pleasure coursing through you and making you whimper in desperate need of him. 
the sound of your soft whimpers fuels him more. every thrust sends electric sensations spiraling through you, and you find yourself instinctively arching your back, urging him on. you crave more—more of him and more of this connection. 
his lips find their way to your neck again as he starts to suck on the skin lightly. you instinctively arch your back, urging him on. you crave more—more of him, more of this intoxicating connection. his hands find their way to your hips, holding you steady as he continues to grind against you, each movement drawing you closer to the edge.
“yuji” you whine, feeling a desperate need to feel him fully.
when he finally pulls back, both of you are breathless. yuji looks down at you with half-lidded eyes, his lips swollen from the kiss. his eyes darken with lust as he meets your gaze, and he can’t help but smile at the effect he has on you. you can feel your pulse quickening in response to his gaze. 
“i know, i know” he says. yuji explores every inch of you, his hands roaming across your skin as he finds all your sensitive spots. he takes his time making you feel good, drawing out your pleasure with deliberate movements. 
yuji can’t believe it—his best friend underneath him, moaning his name over and over. the friend he’s had a crush on for years is now begging for his touch, and the reality of the moment sends his heart racing.
finally, after what feels like an eternity of teasing, he shifts his weight and starts to pull at your underwear. exhilaration courses through him as he watches you writhe beneath him, your eyes clouded with pleasure and desire. 
it’s as if he’s dreaming, yet every sensation is achingly real—the way your body responds to him, the heat radiating between you, and the way you clutch at his shoulders, urging him to go deeper.
“is this okay?” he asks, needing your confirmation through the haze of lust. you nod, your breath hitching in your throat as you plead for more. it makes his chest tighten with emotion. it’s a moment he’s dreamed of for so long, and now that it’s happening, he wants to savor every second.
yuji aligns himself with your entrance. the moment you feel the tip of him pressing against you, a rush of need floods your senses. you hold onto his biceps, squeezing the muscles as he pushes into you slowly, giving you both time to adjust to the stretch.
“shit” he groans, his grip on your hips tightening as he buries himself deeper. the feeling of you around him is overwhelming, and it takes everything in him not to lose control right away. he watches you closely, wanting to savor every reaction, every little sigh that escapes you.
as he begins to move, his thrusts are slow and deliberate at first, letting you feel every inch of him as he pulls back and pushes forward. you sigh in pleasure as he fills you completely, encouraging him to go deeper.
yuji leans down, capturing your lips in a passionate kiss, pouring every ounce of his longing and desire into it. the connection between you deepens, and he can feel the way your body responds to him, how your legs tighten around his waist, urging him to go faster, to give you what you need.
the heat between you intensifies, igniting a fire in his core as he picks up the pace, losing himself in the rhythm. with every thrust, he feels the world around you fade away, leaving only the two of you, wrapped in each other’s arms, driven by raw desire and unspoken affection.
your nails dig into his skin, urging him on as you cry out his name, the sound filling the room and echoing in his ears. 
with each thrust, he feels a rush of exhilaration and a hint of possessiveness. in this moment you’re his, and he revels in the knowledge that you want him just as much as he wants you. he leans down, pressing kisses along your jawline, trailing them down to your collarbone, savoring the taste of you. 
“please… don’t stop” you gasp, your voice breathless. the sight of you, so vulnerable and open, makes him want to worship every inch of you.
he picks up the pace, driven by the need to please you, each thrust growing more passionate and frantic as you both lose yourselves in the rhythm. every moan that spills from your lips only fuels his desire, pushing him to give you everything he has. 
his heart swells with affection and longing as he watches you succumb to the pleasure he’s giving you. he can’t help but lean down to kiss you again, pouring every ounce of his feelings into it. 
your fingers tangle in his hair, tugging him closer as you feel your high approach. you moan into his mouth, the sound mingling with his deep, guttural groans. yuji feels you tightening around him, a sign that you’re teetering on the edge, and it makes him ache to push you over that brink.
you share a breath as his lips hover over yours. his thrusts grow faster and more frantic as he feels you on the edge. you’re unable to form words as the blissful pressure builds in the pit of your stomach. your body trembles, toes curling as your orgasm takes over. 
yuji watches in awe as you cry out, succumbing to the wave of pleasure. the sight of you lost in bliss pushes him to his own release. he groans as he quickly pulls out, shooting cum onto your stomach.
you both take a moment to catch your breath, the air thick with the afterglow of your shared intimacy. your bodies are still tangled together, chests rising and falling in unison as you try to steady your breathing. the silence between you feels comfortable, warm, and for a while, neither of you says a word.
then yuji, with a playful smirk tugging at his lips, breaks the silence.
“wanna try on another set for me?”.
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a/n: i got carried away, hope you don't mind. please send requests in my inbox!!
creds: @elryisia
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